Faithing It

Ash Nelson Forbidden Luxe
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Sometimes I worry that this is all an illusion waiting to shatter before my eyes. I worry that I’m living in a matrix and suddenly the curtains will fall and reveal that this hope I’m holding on to is just a figment.

Sometimes I worry that the promise of better days are a mere coping mechanism shuttling me from one day through to the next until it just ends. I worry that the world around me will just disintegrate, like a bad video game, to reveal a huge, hopeless wasteland.

In these moments of worry I tighten my grasp around the thing keeping it all together, because when they tell you to have faith it adds up the same way that two plus two will always equal four.

In these moments of worry as I tighten, I also feel obliged to take a closer look at what I’m holding on to in the first place. The doubt necessitates it.

Ironically, as I start looking for the tangible, I come to the startling realization that I’m not really holding onto anything at all. What I have, in my precious little hands, is faith.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for. It is made up of your dreams and those only exist if you allow them to. There’s this odd little tap dance that we choreograph around faith. We can only take the next step if we believe, and yet not seeing anything to step into should be proof enough that there isn’t.  

When the worry comes faith is the answer not because it makes the most sense, but because holding on to the happy belief that there’s something more is a lifeline. If I can just hold on a little longer, then a little longer, eventually it will all be worth it. For me, the choice to live and not die is always a better alternative than accepting what comes as it is.

Come to think of it, perhaps I am living in a huge hopeless wasteland. The rose colored glasses that faith provides allow it the potential to be anything I want it to be though and that gives me enough fight to see it through. If the first step to having anything is believing it’s yours, then faith allows me to head start to manifestation that I so desperately need.

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