Silent Killers

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One thing I’ve come to consider lately is that my presence itself, my pure existence, commands power. It might have been around the millionth time this year where I’ve urged myself to make something and felt the fear of judgement when it was time to share said thing. It might have been brewing in my subconscious as my conscious repeated the affirmation, that creating what feels good has value in its own right. Your contributions matter the same regardless if one or one hundred people stand and agree.

Up until this point I’ve constructed power as this forceful destruction in my mind. Power overtakes with its overt presence and control. As I’ve settled into myself I’ve realized that this settling is an acknowledgement to flow with the stream I was created for rather than going against the current by trying to fit in. I don’t know that culture would be culture without the norms that it has created for us. I don’t know whether this is a good or bad thing. What I am sure of is that we use norms as a means to squash ourselves and sometimes don’t even know it.

Read: Life Support

We move around with listless souls because norms are second-nature and we’ve learn to squash the cries of our inner voices with the dissonance “achievement” brings. It’s a very forceful act at times, just like what I thought power was. It’s as forceful as trying to fit something where it doesn’t belong or wearing heels a size too small. I’ve been sensitive to this fact that pain is normal so long as you’re hitting your marks. I’ve grown to hate the notion, to want to rebel, but am unsure against who exactly.

Power is something I’ve always wanted to wield. It’s probably because of this control issue I’m working through. Nonetheless, as I’m learning that having control sometimes means letting go of it, I am too learning that power is sometimes about just staying rooted in what is.

Read: Control Is Letting Go

Something unanticipated has started happening though as I work to stay rooted in a mix of intuition and divine guidance; I am starting to feel powerful. I think about the way that the Universe configures itself to meet the demands of every environment. Nature is a good example. A tree falls and life grows around it, eventually adapting itself around the branches.

Read: Winter

When you are something everything must adapt, and hopefully rise up, to meet that thing. It’s the entire premise on putting a demand on your environment. And so demands on your life, on your circumstances, your entire way of being are about power without ever being about force. That’s where I got it wrong.

They’re silent killers that say everything around me has to change to meet me where I am. The things that don’t fit, just won’t survive here.

#pagesfrommyjournal


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