Solitude

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I spend a lot of time alone.

It shouldn’t be a huge revelation, yet this weekend as I sat cross-legged on the carpet of my living room it hit me — I spend a lot of time by myself.

What startled me wasn’t the concept of solitude; I made the conscious decision to live alone. No, what was surprising was that all the hours I’ve spent, just me and I, couldn’t be accounted for.

I remember moments with friends, with family, with coworkers doing this or that. When it comes to me-time, it seems as though I’ve just been wading through it, waiting for my next interaction.

Read: Know How to Ride Solo

I’m learning to stop saying I’m not a people-person. It’s a boycott because introversion is a trend and I’m really trying to carve out a testimony that is built on honoring self and not on honoring trends. Sometimes I call this path I’m walking the anti-influencer movement, although influence in itself is not a bad thing.

But in general, I like being. I’ve even come to cherish it more than time spent with others. Depends on my mood. Depends on the season. And in this particular one, where intention is the thread holding me together, I wonder how I could be making better use of my aloneness.

I’m learning to not only be alone, but to cherish the quiet that it brings. Quiet feels like filler when you’re not paying attention. We’ve learned to fill quiet with noise and plans and busyness. But stillness.

Stillness speaks volumes inconspicuously. Stillness has all of the answers, knows she has all of the answers, yet is secure enough to never need to share them with you to prove her worth. She just is.

Read: Silent Killers

I’m learning to cherish the quiet aloneness brings because it is only once you’re still enough, quiet enough, observant enough, you get to tap into truth. There are a lot of funky, philosophical theories about truth and what it means. I don’t know enough about that, but what I do know is that truth just is. It exists in the same realm regardless of our abilities to perceive it or not. We move away from truth, we color it with our own experiences, but that doesn’t make it so.

I don’t think there’s a version of the world in which our emotions don’t color the reality of our experiences, though. That would make them useless. Just as I am learning to be more intentional about empty time that feels like filler, I am becoming more curious about why things exist. I’m realizing that the Creator, with his boundless intentionality, did not make things for the sake of them existing. And so, emotions have their place. They must.

So maybe my mission is just to get quiet enough to tap into truth now and again. To grab pieces of her for context and direction so that as I live and feel and breath I’ll know I’m going in the right direction.

Read: Year of More

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